DJNME

(Hi, it's a nut from Welcome to the Nut House. Like last Friday, Charlie and I are switching for the day in order to celebrate our blogiversaries and today it's mine. Don't forget to check out his great post on Tierney, too.)

I’ve been a single mom since Peanut was 6 months old. I tell people that I was actually a single mom as soon as the kid was born and sometimes they get it, sometimes not so much.

To steal a clichéd line: I never knew you could love someone so much within just 5 minutes of meeting.

Peanut slept on my chest for the first 3 weeks of his life because I couldn’t get up fast enough (and sometimes at all) when he cried. I kept everything right next to the couch for easy access* because no amount of crying could wake the Ex up, seriously.

I believe that led to Peanut very quickly becoming a mama’s boy, refusing to let me out of his sight for long periods of time. Whenever the Ex got up with him at night, Peanut refused to go back to sleep and instead would keep the Ex awake. I would go out with friends some Saturday’s and Peanut would wake up almost as soon as I left the house, keeping the Ex up until I returned. When I would get home, I could pick that little man right up and we’d both fall fast asleep.

Having said that, it’s no surprise he’s a mama’s boy now, but it can be so tiring.

Yet I digress.

Peanut’s birth is when the real problems began for me and my Ex. Peanut was born in August, I officially told my Ex I wanted a divorce in November and in February of 2000, I moved in with my parents just 45 minutes north of Richmond.

Being a single mom is perhaps the hardest job I’ll ever have to do in my lifetime. To have someone completely dependent on you for everything; that little person causes you to panic when your car doesn't work or keeps you from quitting your job when your boss is a complete jerk and you can't take it anymore.

There are some days when this kid is lucky to be alive, especially as he gets older. I once knew a woman who would tell her son, “I brought you into this world and I can take you right back out of it.” I never realized how true that was ‘til Peanut was born.

You see, when you’re a single mom, there is no one to relieve you of the 2 hour feedings, the crankiness, the sick baby. There is no relief when you are at your wits end and you think you’re going to throw the kid against the wall either. I had to learn to step away pretty fast because, given my mom’s history, I was afraid of what would happen if I picked him up while angry. There is no one to take shifts with or whose wages you can lean on when you have to take yet another day off work because the baby has yet another ear infection and can’t go back to daycare until he’s been on the meds for 24 hours.

Oh, I’ve had boyfriends. I’ve made the mistake of letting Peanut call someone else daddy.** I’ve had experiences that let me know what it must be like to have a partner who’s willing to be the dad in the true sense of the word.

Yet none of them have stuck. Two years after leaving my husband I decided to go back to school at the ripe ‘ol age of 26. I took a part-time job on VCU’s campus so I could easily go to school full-time during they day, allowing some semblance of a normal schedule and routine for us both.

Perhaps not a day went by wondering if I could handle school, work, a toddler and commuting. I remember sitting on the bed, before Peanut was born, asking myself if I knew what I was doing. It was too late by then of course. Many times I considered giving Peanut to his dad while I finished school but I usually smacked that thought right out of my head considering how horrible a “father” my Ex was to begin with.

Many days I woke up not wanting to be a mom. I wanted to be back to my carefree life, sitting on the beach all day eating grapes or cantaloupe while reading a really good book. Now we can’t get near water without Peanut diving in, scaring the shit out of me with his lack of fear for something so much bigger and powerful than him and my fear of water doesn't matter because I would rather Peanut be safe and enjoy himself rather than be denied his greatest joy.

These days I think horrible thoughts less and cringe more, mostly because we're in a routine now. Also, Peanut is getting older and more autonomous everyday, fighting his way into independence much to my chagrin. Don't get me wrong, there are still many days when I want to knock the kid back into last week or "take him out," sometimes there are days when I just don't want to be a mom anymore. Then there are days when I dream about moving wherever I want, traveling the world and how much easier life in general would be if I didn't have this leech attached to me, sucking on my life.

When people found out I was going to school while raising the little munchkin, they'd start fawning over me, showering me with, "Oh Nut, I don't know how you do it. You must be a strong woman." "Congratulations! I'm glad to hear you're doing it because I couldn't." "I don't know how you do it Nut, I couldn't." One of my favorite professors, who now has 2 girls and still has her husband, told me on more than one occasion she didn't know how I could do it because it was hard enough and she had a husband (both are professors here).

I also wonder about Peanut because his father does not take an active parenting role in his life whatsoever. He didn't come up for the spelling bee, he doesn't ever come up for Parent Teacher Conferences, he didn't even come up for the assessment meeting last year, when I was worried Peanut had ADD or an emotional/behavioral disorder (which he kind of does but it's getting better). Lately, R. has been into playing Halo2 online more than calling his son nightly like he used to.

Peanut regresses greatly when he visits R., becoming a whiney mumbling little shit. He does this because R. coddles him. R. dresses him, feeds him, lets Peanut still sleep in the same bed with him and Peanut is now 6 1/2. Once, R. told me that he didn't set any rules for Peanut because I was too strict and he lets Peanut "be free" and "be a kid." Once and only once R. tried telling me he knew what it was like to be me, single parents extraordinaire. When Peanut is around R., he becomes extremely disrespectful to everyone and everything, rude and generally a kid no one wants to be around; everything that I rail against during the 2 weeks at a time Peanut is with me (when he comes back he tries it with me for all of 2 seconds. In the summer it's even worse).

I say this because there are studies galore out there that say single moms need to find good male role models for their sons. I personally think I'm doing just find without a positive male*** in our lives mainly because I don't want my son to grow up to be like his father and so far I think I'm winning but the truth will be told once Peanut's Jr. High years get here.

This June Peanut and I will move out completely on our own for the first time ever and, if I thought being a single mom was hard before, I'm sure I'll be in for a real surprise then.****

Btw, when I finished reading Operating Instructions by Anne Lamott, I felt so much better.

---

* I had an emergency c-section and the bed was way too stiff for my very sore belly. The couch conformed to my body and was much more comfortable. R. would even sleep on the floor next to me, Peanut in a bassinet, and still not hear the kid cry.

** Yeah, that was really stupid. It took me realizing that I'd kick some other woman ass if Peanut ever called her mommy to stop that real quick.

*** My dad lives in this same house but I wouldn't count him as one considering he wasn't much of a dad to my sister and me. Sure he paid the bills, but we don't really have any kind of relationship with him which has become increasingly more evident as I get older. An example would be when he suggests I do things like look up the rights of Afghan women on the internet to prove that he was right, they wear the burqa because it's their religion, not state law. Or when he looks up from the newspaper and says, "Hey Nut, did you know women in Saudi Arabia can't drive?" This was just 3 or 4 weeks ago.

**** And just so you all know, my parents were not live-in babysitters, they only help me out with clothes/groceries when I absolutely need it, I'm in charge of procuring all of our food/toiletry/clothing needs, etc. Every once in a while my mom is super nice and pays for a knitting class for me or helps me get yarn for my new obsession. I just get to live there rent free while I attend school and wait to move out.