As promised, a discussion about monogamy

I promised I would talk about monogamy vs. non-monogamy. That’s a pretty big topic, so it’s probably a good idea if I make this a series. It is probably important to say up front that non-monogamy is an odd subject for me to talk about. I am, after all, in a monogamous marriage. For a first hand account of non-monogamous relationships, you should probably read Bitch Ph.D. or The Unapologetic Atheist. Nonetheless, it’s a topic I’ve thought about a lot.

I’m always a little hesitant to write about it, though, because I’m afraid that people will think I’m attacking all monogamous relationships. I’m not. I have nothing against monogamy per se. It is a good choice for many people, perhaps even for most people.

Now is probably a good time to define terms. When I talk about monogamy, I’m talking about the practice of having only one sexual partner for a period of time. I’m not talking about the practice of marrying only one person at a time. I’ll save that discussion for another day. For the purpose of this essay, let’s assume that marriage is between exactly two consenting adults.

As I said, I am not attacking monogamy. If I’m attacking anything, it is the assumption that monogamy is always the best choice for everyone. As I wrote before, that assumption is so strong throughout society that most people don’t even seriously consider other options. In fact, non-monogamous marriage is such an uncommon idea that it makes most people feel uncomfortable to even think about it. The word “monogamy” is often associated with “fidelity,” and for most people it carries positive connotations. Non-monogamy, on the other hand, usually carries with it the negative connotations of infidelity.

It’s an odd thing, that. It seems pretty obvious that people everywhere are somewhat intrigued by the idea of non-monogamous relationships, even if they don’t think of it in quite those terms. Recently, some of the bloggers I read were discussing their “freebie lays” – celebrities who would warrant exemptions from monogamy should the right opportunity present itself. Granted, it’s only a game; a fantasy. It’s a different way to talk about who you find attractive and why. But I can’t help but thinking that part of what makes it more fun than a normal “s/he’s so hot” conversation is the chance to tempt yourself. What if I really did sleep with her? It makes me wonder: If it weren’t for the mostly unquestioned assumption in our society that monogamy is the sole option for serious relationships, how many people would prefer a different arrangement?

One problem with monogamy (and here’s where I start to sound like I’m bashing it – honest, I’m not) is that it promotes jealousy. When a boyfriend or girlfriend is paying too much attention to a member of the opposite sex, it isn’t uncommon to hear, “If I’m jealous, it only means I love you,” as though jealousy is a measure of the magnitude of love. But that phrase is also familiar to many victims of domestic violence. If we reject it in the latter situation, shouldn’t we also reject it in the former? Jealousy is a negative and destructive emotion. Love has no need of it.

Another problem with monogamy is that it is a socially accepted way to treat people like property. There is a possessive element to a monogamous relationship that is often expressed, “I want you all to myself.” Like jealousy, this is usually considered a positive emotion. Assuming that my spouse would prefer to have additional sexual partners, I fail to see how preventing her from having what she wants is something to be desired. It implies that I have ownership over her, or at least over her sexuality.

But in a sense, it really isn’t fair to talk about monogamy promoting jealousy or possessiveness. Neither are intrinsic properties of monogamy. Instead, these traits mostly manifest themselves due to the particular way it is implemented in our society. They follow easily from the assumption that monogamy is the best fit for everyone.

And it is this jealousy-free and unpossessive sense of monogamy with which I have no problems. Whereas the possessive monogamy says “I want you all to myself,” an unpossessive monogamy says, “I give myself to you.” This is the romantic ideal of monogamy towards which most of us strive. But a gift isn’t much of a gift at all if it isn’t freely given. An unpossessive monogamy is much harder to achieve when we automatically assume that any serious relationship will necessarily be monogamous.

And that is a very important point: By embracing non-monogamous, committed relationships as a legitimate choice in society, we simultaneously enrich our traditional monogamous relationships. Though you might enjoy flowers on your anniversary, it is still better to receive flowers for no reason. In the same way, though monogamy may be very fulfilling for many people as it currently exists, it could be even better if you knew your spouse had a choice to be with many people, but chose to be with you exclusively.

Next time, I’ll talk more about non-monogamy, and how it relates to cheating.